Under the sun

For the first time in a long time I'm scared. It's silly really, a few tests sent off to pathology, two weeks before I get any results. The waiting is the hardest part.
I've always been a polka dotted little fella. It attracted a lot of ridicule while I was in grade school, who knew they could potentially kill me. I thought being picked on and called names was bad. Having spots that are the target of immature bullying were nothing compared to facing the reality that they are now the source of my greatest fear.

Therefore today...I'm having one of those "why" days. When all rationalizations fail and theology seems empty. When circumstances seem to be trying to crush the very life outta me and all that come out are tears. Life remains and I have to face it. The problem is, all I seem to be able to face is the ground beneath my feet or my shirt sleeve to hide the wetness falling down my face I so desperately want to raise up.

I know that this too shall pass but knowing that doesn't make it any easier right now. So I continue on about my daily grind, focusing on my work and drowning out my sorrows with mathematics. Nothing better for man than to enjoy his work under the sun, right? Well, tell that to the guy with the spots who suspects that too much time "under the sun" may have put him six feet closer to six feet under.

Hello, my name is Bobby. I'm not even 34 and my skin is in the mail for biopsy testing. Silly thing to be worried about.

It sucks.

That's all.

Faith triumphs over loneliness

After my previous post of doom and gloom I think it's profitable to balance that out with the reminder that our feelings of loneliness are very real yet... bogus according to our faith.  The reaction from all over the internet revealed a resonance with my sentiments that I did not expect.  It is my hope that this post will aid many who feel themselves to be in the middle of a dry and empty wilderness to praise God for the manna and continue to look forward to the promised land.

For starters, and most importantly, even when we "feel" all alone we would do well to remember that we cannot trust our feelings.  We are never alone, I am never alone, you are never alone.  We may not be able to trust our feelings but we can certainly trust the promises of our Lord.  He promises "I will NEVER leave you or forsake you".

Never

Loneliness is a lie.

Building upon that truth, knowing that Christ is always with us, implies that He is everywhere.  Since Christ is everywhere and He is always working, then everywhere we go there are places and ways that He desires us to join Him in His work.  Which brings me to my second point:  wherever we are, there are opportunities for ministry.  For instance, Christ is at work in the hearts and minds of our spouses, our children, our co-workers, our checkout cashiers, our next door neighbors, our relatives, our twitter followers and Facebook friends.  Jesus was at the party we attended last week, he was waiting in line with us for doorbuster deals, he sat around the table with us as we passed the turkey, he sips coffee with us at Starbucks.  Wherever we are, Christ is there and He is working his way to the center of our affections and the affections of those around us.

The possibilities are endless when you think of it.  Now would be a good place to recognize that when Jesus was in a body of flesh there were many around Him that He did not minister to.  This calls for some discernment in the way of prayerfully seeking where God is at work and obediently joining Him in that work without occupying ourselves with work that is outside of His will.  Intimacy with The Lord must precede our movement toward reconciling others to Him.  These truths build on one another.  When our focus is not on doing the work but on joining with Christ who is already working, the power of God will be conveyed in all that we say, everything we touch, and everywhere we go.

So we are in constant need of the reminder that Christ is near and He is active.  Loneliness becomes fellowship when we remember to share our time, resources, and selves with our Lord and our neighbor.  After all, we are never, really, alone.

Breaking the silence

It's been a while since I have done any writing here. Not because I haven't had any good ideas for writing or reasons to do so. My absence from the blogosphere is mostly because I haven't made it a priority. There is also the issue of my not feeling worthy of talking about things in an intellectual frame that I am not experiencing. Here is my effort toward putting a foot forward in that direction.

In much of my most recent soul searching I have come to realize the dangers in being somewhat of a loner in my walk with Christ. Aside from the most obvious feelings of loneliness and isolation as I have yet to commit myself to a body of believers who meet regularly, there has also been a void in my progression of spiritual growth. All my dreams of belonging to a family of believers who are devoted to learning to live by the indwelling life of Christ together remain in the dreamworlds. Maybe my dream is too big. Maybe I'm just growing impatient. Maybe my dreams are toxic to others and The Lord is protecting everyone from me. Maybe I'm about to round a corner and see some light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I should just give up.

The stillness is unsettling

The darkness is unnerving

The uncertainty is uncomfortable

The doubts are overwhelming

The temptations seem inescapable

What do I do? Where do I go? How do I respond? Who else has had this experience? When will it end? I'm full of questions without answers. So my pen remains horizontal and my pages empty. Hopefully, that will change...soon. As I attempt to overcome all that I lack and share what it's like to be inside my own head, be prepared, I suggest you be on guard. They say that an isolated Christian is a dangerous Christian and

I

Am

Isolated.

Building the Mystery

Before time, before creation, before anything was made that was made, You saw me O Lord.

You formed me.

Before I came into the world, you built me and put my parts together.

You set me apart for your purpose even before my parts were placed together.

A body you prepared for me to display your nature and character to the world.

For I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Behold, I tell you a mystery hidden through the ages. This mystery is Christ and the church.

Is Christ on my desk or my heart?

After an unscheduled break from writing, I welcome you all back to get a glimpse of the places I have followed Christ. I'm exceedingly glad to have the time to release some of these thoughts that burn within me. On that note lets dive right into the subject at hand. Today I want to talk about the Word, both written and Living, and how the body of Christ is built up in the spirit.

In recent times I have been involved in numerous discussion groups and face to face discussions about the importance of scripture. It's a bit of a convoluted subject because I have experienced and fallen into the pitfalls that come when the written word is elevated to a position that is higher in importance than a living relationship and practice of listening to the spirit of God. I know how we so often subject the scripture to our own interpretations and can make it say what we want it to say. I've heard it said before and find it to be very true that "every heretic has his prooftext". I say all that to make the point that while I still firmly believe that scripture is both hihgly valuable and valid for the body of Christ today, understanding what it is that the Holy Spirit is conveying through the words of the text is of the highest value. In fact, without the guidance and illumination of the Spirit, the Bible has no value to transform us by revealing Christ.

While having a ear to hear what the Spirit is saying through the scripture is important it is also important to recognize that He speaks to us in numerous ways and is not confined to a book. Christ is alive, Christ is all, all things were made by Him, through Him, and to Him and all of creation puts on display His divine attributes. This is a truth and a way that was unknown to me until I was led out of the confines of a system where the Word of God was spoon fed to me like an infant and I became a hunter for the word of truth in the wild. Now that I have entered into this place where there is freedom and I am surounded by others who are in the wild like me, I have noticed a trend that makes me, well...concerned. There are many who are shouting and sharing about the importance of listening to the spirit and abiding in the Living Word but at the same time they are degrading and disregarding the value and validity of the written word.

The way I experience it, deception works in both ways. One day I discover I have been decieved into believing that the scriptures say something that they don't and another day I realize I have been decieved into believing that the spirit I have been obeying is the spirit of God when it's demonic and clothed in light. Now, maybe there are are some who have been walking and listening to the Lord long enough to be able to easily discern between the two, but I'm not at that level of maturity and I get the feeling that I am not alone. I need both the written word and the indwelling word of Spirit to agree with one another before I can be sure of anything. This is why I say things get so convoluted.

We have all heard it said, and many of us have repeated, that the Bible is the word of God and is the only objective standard we have. But is that always true if the scriptures themselves are necessarily subjected to our interpretation and understanding of them? Then there are some who would say that the indwelling Spirit is the only objective source of truth but we are taught from scripture to test the spirits...and we know that the Living Word will not disagree with the written word so what do we do? We make sure they agree, thereby subjecting one to another no matter which direction it is the truth is coming at us.

If you are expecting me to wrap this all up and tie a nice neat little bow on it you are going to be very disappointed. All I can say with confidence is that we reap what we sow. If we sow doubt, whether in the validity and value of the written word or the voice of our indwelling Lord we reap, a house that is destroyed by every wind and wave that comes its way because it has no foundation. My advice to myself and to anyone else who is facing the same issues and questions is don't abandon the search for truth. Dig deeper until you're confident that you are building on a rock. Dialogue and discuss with other believers who are as intent on submitting to the Headship of Christ as you and are learning to dilligently search the scriptures for Him and live by His indwelling life.

We don't understand all truth therefore as we search together there will be disagreement. As long as we all admit that we could have possibly been decieved into believing a lie, there is room for the truth to transform our minds. Disagreement doesn't mean disunity, in fact, unity through disagreement with humility will eventually lead to a knowledge of the truth so solid it will stand against any storm that blows our way.

How are you learning to discern truth through God's Word?

$20 buys more than you bargained for

Often, when I am around town shopping, I am approached by someone who is going through hard times and is in need of a handout. Every time I give a 5 here, 10 there, or a 20 when I feel led. I just ran into a fella that was a recipient of my last $20 about a month ago. When it's your last $20, you leave them wondering if you now have to go without lunch for a week so that they can have a crack rock and be high for a couple hours. This was one of those times.

I remember after having giving this particular guy money having the inner desire to pray for him. I prayed that no matter how the money was spent, the man would glorify God for the gift and see it as a way that God was revealing himself to him. By the time I had arrived home, after praying in my car during my return, I was no longer concerned about how the money was spent only that God would have used it to reveal himself to the man.

I just saw him again. It's been months since the night I gave him my lunch money. He recognized me and remembered me as someone who had once invited him to church. We all know I certainly did not do that. But what it impressed upon me was that God had answered my prayer and somehow revealed himself to that man and the man had made the connection between me, the $20 bill, and God. Of course he would equate that with an invitation to church since that is how most people think we must connect with God. Nonetheless, a simple gift followed by a prayer in my car all alone had led to this man equating me with a connection to God.

This time I had no cash in my pocket to give so I invited him to come to my house for dinner. Maybe he will, maybe he won't, I don't know. Pray for me, that if he does, the Spirit would move me according to His plan so that I would not get in the way but join with Him in the work that he is obviously working. My entire household is sick so we will likely spend time on the front porch. It really couldn't be a worse day to have someone over for dinner. Especially someone strange that I just met begging on the street, but now he has my address so we may see him at any time in the future.

Preschool lessons in Christ

 I’m so blown away right now I cannot help but share.  I’ve just begun reading a book by T. Austin-Sparks entitled “The School of Christ”.  I made it through chapter one and had to stop.  Before moving on, this stuff has GOT to sink in.  In the book, Sparks presents a somewhat elementary or kindergarten lesson that must be learned by every disciple of Christ.  No, wait...its lower than kindergarten, its preschool stuff.  They are base line principles where we learn how to learn.  The lesson is comprised of three parts:

1. God the Father finds His ultimate pleasure in His son, Jesus Christ, and has made it His purpose to conform us to the image of Christ.
2. Christ is wholly and completely “other” (I think holy is a good fit here as well) than we are.
3. We are utterly incapable of bringing about God’s purpose by our own strength, it must come about by God’s own miraculous work.

That is meaty stuff.  These three statements are bursting at the seams with meaning.  Just take the first point; God finds his ultimate pleasure in His Son.  He is completely and totally satisfied with Christ and Christ alone.  Christ is His treasure.  Christ is the object of His love.  The Father is pleased with Christ.  I have to take a moment and think about God being pleased.

God is happy,

full of joy, 

and elated.  

Christ puts a smile on His face.  

Can you imagine?  Have you ever stopped to consider the pleasure of God in Christ?  And to think, it is His purpose to conform us into the image of Christ!  He wants to make US the objects of His pleasure in Christ!  (makes me want to sing)    That is His purpose, set forth from eternity.  God does what He wants and gets what He wants and He does all things according to His good pleasure.

Blessed (happy) be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!  According to His great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.  (1 Peter 1:3-6 ESV)

Oh how far we have to go.  Christ Jesus is so completely and utterly beyond our comprehension let alone our imitation.  It is in the presence of One so mighty that we fall on our faces as though dead.  Angels created for the purpose of ministering in His presence must have their eyes covered as they cry out

“Holy, 

Holy, 

Holy” 

for there are no words higher that may be employed to praise the One whose glory surrounds them.  We are made of dust and He makes us a home for himself.  The uncaused first cause has moved into the neighborhood and called the dust of the earth known as man his friend and lover.  Not only that but in Christ he has torn down the wall of sin that separated us from himself and reconciled us that we might be called sons and daughters of God.  Children of the Most High. [again with the singing] His mercy, grace, love and humility are beyond words and understanding.

It is such a high calling to be destined to be conformed to Christ.  Do we really get that?  Can we wrap our minds around it?  Conformed to Christ!  This is no task we can set out to do by our own strength.  No amount of laws or goals could bring us there.  There is not enough human effort that can be accumulated for a lifetime to attain it.  The hope we have is dramatically beyond our grasp.  By our own strength we are totally hopeless.  In short, it is impossible.  Our only hope is for a miracle.  Try as we may the end result is always the same:  despair.

We despair of our inadequacies, our inability, our smallness, and our powerlessness to live up to such a high calling., but in our despair there is real hope.  A broken and contrite heart God will not despise.  We fall down as though dead before Him and He lifts us up with the same power with which He raised Christ from the dead and that is an awesome kind of power.  He throws aside our fig leaves and He clothes us with Christ.  He removes our heart of stone and gives us a heart of flesh.  He crucifies our old man of flesh on the cross with Christ and gives us his own life, his divine life.  By this life, Christ in us, we can now discern God’s will.  By his life we are transformed from one degree of glory to the next.  By his life we can be a light to the world.  By his life we are conformed into the object of his pleasure.  Happy is the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ who has caused us to be born again!

What absolutely wonderful news!  I can’t hear this enough.  It’s as though we must come to each of these three things before any progress can be made.  God has a high purpose for us.  He is holy, we are not.  We depend fully and completely upon him by grace through faith in Christ to take the next step.

…and so it continues.  A perpetually necessary preschool curriculum, for the children of glory.

Help Wanted

How’s this for a classified ad?

Wanted:  leader for local church.  No salary, no power, prestige, or assumed authoritative position.  Benefits include opportunity to set an example for others in order to bring glory to God and a reward in heaven.  Applicants need not apply.  If interested, walk in a manner worthy of your calling and let your light shine before men by serving others, your leadership will be recognized.

One of the biggest hang ups one will run into after leaving institutional Christianity is lack of specifically defined leadership.  Well…leadership in a living and active form through the members of Christ’s body anyway, we always have the Holy Spirit to lead and guide us.  The biggest obstacle is being submissive to recognized leadership in its present form.  While much of the example that is set is worthy of imitation, the claims of God given authority over the laity have a way of choking out our desire to look to them for guidance.  That kind of emphasis on position is “not to be so” among the family of God and therefore should be rejected.

As I’ve been thinking, praying, and listening to the Holy Spirit about this I’ve come to a realization.  Leaders are everywhere, you just have to look.  Typically you have to look pretty hard because true leaders aren’t showboating themselves and their works.  The humility they have keeps them far away from the spotlight.  I’m finding that a lack of leadership isn’t a problem if we begin looking in the right places and to the right people.  Leaders aren’t the guys who want to be out front, they aren’t necessarily the smartest or the best in oratory skills.  They are simply the people who are walking by faith in obedience to the leading of our indwelling Lord.

So, maybe the ad should read:

Wanted:  disciples who know haw to recognize and follow the Godly example set by others.  Must be willing to look in unexpected places and have the ability to discern between what is commendable and what is “not to be so among you” .  If interested, whatever things are true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent or worthy of praise in the lives of others, think about and emulate these things no matter the source.

What do you think?  Which ad would get the most response?  Which is the greatest need in Christianity today?

You Don't Know Jack

...or Jill.  In fact, apart from your spouse, children and closest co-workers, you probably don't know anyone.

There was a time in my school days when I skipped a particular class for several days in a row. The class was completely boring and I didn't see how it would have any practical use in my life after school. On the day that I returned I discovered that there would be a test on the following day. No problem, the class was such a breeze I could easily cram for the test that afternoon and probably score an "A" on it with ease. So that is precisely what I did and with confidence I went to class the next day well prepared to ace the test. There was just one little issue: I studied the wrong material.

That is precisely the dilemma one faces as they venture out in search for community in church life. Anyone who has Christ in them has this intrinsic desire for deep fellowship and community with other believers. It’s evident by the programs and meetings we plan and put together. There are community groups built around all sorts of interests and needs. People get together for bible studies, accountability, addiction recovery, marital status, and many other commonalities. I’ve been a part of each of these types of groups. The problem is that these groups do not form lasting communities, at least not in my experience.

Take accountability groups for instance. The idea is that if you can get a group of people together who are willing to share their deepest struggles with one another what you have is a recipe for growth and community. The problem is, we have all been studying the wrong material. We don’t know how to be transparent and honest with one another. What we know is what we’ve been trained for. We know how to hide our struggles and put on a happy face. We like our shallow conversations. When we get together and try to break those habits by confessing sins to one another other habits begin to appear. Some are judgmental and unforgiving. Their attitude is perceived by the rest of the group and slowly people retreat from being honest. Everyone sticks to the script and answers a list of predefined questions. Some learn to hide their deepest struggles by confessing the ones that the group finds easiest to talk about. Others ignore their own shortcomings by focusing on trying to fix the surface level confessions of everyone else. Like a pool that has been drained for cleaning they play in the deep end but there is no depth to the waters.

Shallow living can only be overcome one way that I now of. The only way to grow beyond empty surface relationships is by sharing life together. We have to hang out with each other, share meals together, go out together, and call each other when we are apart. All of our trash will float to the surface and be revealed eventually by those we spend the most time with. Just ask your co-worker and your spouse if you don’t believe me. The ability to love one another amongst the floating filth and the desire to join in the cleaning up process is what living in community is all about. This only happens if we jump into a pool that is full of life and are willing to wade out past the shallows and into the deep end.

Let’s be honest. If we were given a test about how our brothers and sisters in Christ are doing, the bubble next to “I’m good, how are you?” would be the only option we would be comfortable filling in. Most of us don’t know jack about our family in Christ because all our lives we have been studying the wrong material.  All we know is how to get along together without any friction.  We have no idea what it means to be totally diverse in personality and function but completely and perfectly united in Christ alone.


So….what are you going to do about it?

Tough in the Tunnels

When we get lonely and are craving community all sorts of things that would normally not be even remotely interesting suddenly seem like our light at the end of the tunnel.  I know this because I’m in a pretty lonely place right now in terms of church life.  The lack of shared life is evident in the lack of what I share on the blog.  I’m sorry about that.  Often, I sit down to write and I just can’t.  I’m like “open a vein already and just let it spill” but nothing comes.  I guess in a minor way I share in my daughters suffering, full of things to say but cannot find my voice to say them.

Anyway…

I didn’t begin writing this to throw a pity party.

I’ve just been thinking about how attractive “going back to church” might be.  I want so badly to be a part of a community of believers.  I want to have brothers and sisters to pour myself into and to be ministered to by them.  I thought about attending some worship services, church shopping, and even going to an accountability community group.  The problem is that my knowledge from experiencing these things gets in the way.  From what I know about these forms of gathering, I will not find what I’m looking for.  What I will find is a bunch of people busy doing things to build community with one another but to busy to actually have relationships.

I’m not interested…well…I am kinda interested…I mean, something is better than nothing, right?

[sigh]  I don’t know what to do.  The two groups of believers I am most interested in sharing life with both have a leader among them that doesn’t want me around.  That makes things pretty tough.  The shared life experiences I’ve had in the last couple months or so have been so sporadic that they aren’t even week to week let alone day by day.  The truth of how much we need each other and how important community is for the Body of Christ has been made very real to me through experience.  I thank God that Christ Jesus never leaves us or forsakes us.

Ever

No doubt, during this time God has been near and revealing Himself to us in ways that are nothing short of miraculous.  His mercies are never failing and His faithfulness continues.  This I also know from experience.  I guess we all go through seasons and all seasons have their goal and purpose.  I’m just anxious for this season to be over.  This hallway between one door closing and another opening seems to go on for miles.

So much for not throwing a pity party.  Maybe the veins are finally opening.